I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
