So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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