Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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