You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize