she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
