3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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