I faked an abortion last night.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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