He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize