Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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