so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Randomize
