Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
