she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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