Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
