respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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