So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
