I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She's the barista slut.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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