New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
