Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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