why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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