Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
