I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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