Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize