I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
