If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
