For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize