Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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