If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
