There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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