Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
