Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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