He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize