I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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