My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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