and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
