You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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