She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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