I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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