So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
