i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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