I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
