the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
