he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
