Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
