what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
