I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
