Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She's the barista slut.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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