we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
