You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
