Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
