who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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