It's like God shit irony all over that family
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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