it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
