He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
