**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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