my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
