WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
