The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
