Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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