i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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