if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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