then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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