I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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