4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
