I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
