this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
