Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize