I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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