i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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