Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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